Ever since the second annual white trash party, I have been carrying an enormous burden. The only way to redeem myself and pay complete restitution to the deceived is to share the trade secrets of fake mustache application and grooming - an art revealed to me by one Captain Potassium. Here is a list of the supplies you'll need:
your wife's toothbrush
a paper towel (you may substitute a kleenex or toilet paper)
lotion or moisturizer
The first step in applying any type of fake facial hair, as any professional in the counterfeit whiskers industry will tell you, is to guarantee an exact color match. This can be achieved only by using your own hair. There are many ways to harvest the hair you'll need. Some collect stray clippings in the sink after shaving (though this can take weeks and you never know just when you'll need a fake mustache) and some swear by a product I'd rather not endorse: the Mangroomer. In the case at hand, after shaving my head in the shower, the stray hairs were carefully gathered with the toothbrush and swept onto a paper towel. The next step is more difficult and may require years of practice before your fake mustache goes undetected. Apply the lotion in the desired shape of your handsome new handlebars and press the trimmings to your face until you achieve the coverage you fancy. Here is where most impostors go wrong. Be careful not to over apply as excessively thick or patchy mustaches are easily recognized. Then, remove excess whiskers with the toothbrush until the Keiser Wilhelm inside you shines through. Oh, don't forget to rinse out your wife's toothbrush when you're done.